I decided to write about this issue because I see how so many people in our Arab societies are obsessed with this tiny piece of skin. Is virginity an indication of purity? Is the hymen an indication of virginity? Who is considered a virgin? What do you consider as being a virgin? Are “deflowered” girls sluts? What about virginity in Islam? So many questions… and very few answers. I will try and tackle this issue from as many approaches as I can. There are so many sides to this issue – social, religious, scientific, and of course sexual. However, I will spicifically speak about this issue in Egypt – a country where a woman is supposedly free to wear bikinis as well as cover her face, a society where the ‘re-virgin-ization’ surgery is becoming common and accessible at a time where the tradition of virginity testing on the wedding night is still alive and well, a society where secret common-law marriages (الجواز العرفى) amongst the youth is spreading, and a society where premarital sex amongst teenagers is becoming common at a time where for the first time in the country’s history the court gave little Lena the name of her biological father.
I was so surprised when I went to visit a female relative who was recently married at her new house and found her showing me a piece of cloth with blood on it. I almost fainted when I saw this… for God’s sake she’s so much better than this!! I never imagined that someday this would happen to someone I know, let alone someone I’m related to! I asked her who’s idea it was and she told me it was hers. She wanted to eradicate any “doubts” anyone in the groom’s family could be having. “Why would the groom’s family want to see this?” I asked her and she said her mother in law… well… did this when she saw the bloody cloth after they came back from their honeymoon. “Maybe she was just happy her son isn’t impotent” I thought to myself. Then I started thinking about virginity and everything it stands for.
According to Wikipedia, “The hymen (or maidenhead; or in slang cherry) is a fold of mucous membrane which surrounds or partially covers the external vaginal opening. It forms part of the vulva, or external genitalia, and is present in all females at birth”. The word is derived from Hymenaios the god of marriage in Greek mythology . It seems ridiculous to me that millions of people give so much attention to the hymen, or as I came to call it حتة الجلده (the piece of skin). It is said that there are several different types of hymens. This is one of the more common hymen types:
Annular Hymen: This is one of the more common hymen types. It is called annular because it forms a ring around the vaginal opening:
With some sexual or masturbatory activity or even insertion of objects like tampons, the hymen stretches and becomes less like a ring and looks more like this:
When a female’s hymen is torn, (not just stretched) she could bleed and the hymen would look something like this: OR this:
The type and shape of the hymen tear – get this – depends on the force of penetration. Now trust me on this because I did ask a couple of local gynocologists. A female with an intact hymen does not have to bleed on her first time. If her partner was rather ‘sympathetic’ and would only go as far as her pain threshold she might not bleed at all. This is because the hymen might stretch to allow “total penetration” and thus intercouse without tearing. If the partner was not as “sympathetic” and in other words ‘in a hurry’, the hymen would tear and the wound most probably will cause some bleeding. How much bleeding will depend on the tear and ‘force of penetration’. One of the doctors who I interviewed (We’ll call him Dr. M) told me that a lot of newly wed brides are “taken” to his clinic by their husbands verifying thier virginity because they did not bleed on their wedding nights. Only an experienced gynocologist can verify this after checking to see when the hymen was stretched or torn. This can be done by checking for abrasions, if abrasions on the hymen specifically, are still fresh, that should mean that she has been deflowered only recently. After a few days it could be hard to tell because the abrasions on the hymen would have healed. This is how in forensics they can verify rape, by checking the severity of vaginal abrasions, not specifically on the hymen, if the female was not a virgin and was sexually active. He also gave me a statistic that four out of ten virgins will not bleed on their first intercourse. Now I don’t know where he got this statistic, but the guy is a well-known gynocologist, so I would trust that he knows what he is talking about.
Now how does this fit with the misconception that a female with an intact hymen must bleed on her first intercourse? Many, or should I should say most men in Egypt do solemnly believe that if their brides do not bleed on their wedding night then they were not virgins. And we all know of course what kind of stigma that carries. After the emerging of the Hymen Repair Surgery – Hymenoplasty – the word “virgin” started carrying several new meanings . In the West, some women get hymen repair surgery as a cosmetic procedure or to surprise their husbands on 20th year anniversaries. Here in the Middle East girls get it to save their reputations and sometimes their lives. Mainly the hymen repair surgery is the piecing together of a torn or dilated hymen to restore what is known as ‘virginity’. There is a brief presentation done by an Egyptian gynocologist on this issue. This type of surgery has become very common in Egypt. Dr. M said told me that at least two or three young women every month come into his clinic asking him to be saved in this way. What surprized me the most is when he said that some females prefer to fake the bleeding by puncturing their vaginal opening with a pin after intercourse to give the impression that they were virgins, rather than go through the surgery. This surgery can be done under total anasthetic at an operating room at hospital with dissolveable stitches and can be permanent – until of course there is intercourse again. It can aslo be done under local anasthetic at a clinic, however, in that case the hymen would remain intact for a few days following the procedure. In both cases the repaired hymen will simulate a natural one with the first intercourse after the procedure and there will be bleeding.
After all this, does it still mean that an intact hymen is the sign of virginity… no matter how it got intact in the first place? I know a girl who had the hymen repair surgery done THREE TIMES (and she wears the hijab by the way).
The tradition of virginity testing on the wedding night or dukhla (which literally translates to “going in”), by a midwife has been there for decades and is practiced up until today in traditional societies. This is when a midwife is called to the wedding, and goes in the room with the bride, and sometimes the groom is present, she then uses a sharp object or her fingernail to tear the hymen and wipe the blood with a white piece of cloth that is then held up by the midwife or the groom in display of the bride’s virginity. This is a common practice in rural Egypt but probably no one still does this in Cairo today. However, in higher class families, the groom is sometimes asked to verify to his curious family the virginity of his bride. In most cases he doesn’t have to hold tangible proof, like the bloody cloth, and show it around. His word is usually taken as proof. In some higher class or educated families, proving that the bride was a virgin is never really an issue. However, that doesn’t mean that most people don’t still believe that a bride must be a virgin on her wedding night.
This brings me to the social aspect of this whole thing. The reason why men prefer to marry virgins is because a virgin is supposedly pure and hasn’t been with other men before him. We all know that an intact hymen does not stop a female from practising sexual activities other than intercourse. How would any of these men feel if he finds out that his bride has practised fellatio, anal sex, or even ‘outer-course’?? A lot of men would be appalled by this idea, but others will forgive if the hymen is still intact. That really makes me wonder… what if the bride practised these sexual activities with say a hundred other men, but her hymen is still intact? Does that mean she’s still a virgin? Some would say as long as no one knows about it and she has a good reputation, they’ll forgive her. So if she did all that, but she lies a lot, it’s fine? What about those who would marry a girl who is not a virgin? My guess is they would marry her but never forgive or forget her past. That is why girls who’ve lost their virginity feel they must get hymen repair surgery. What about a girl who got back her hymen after this surgery? Does that mean she’s a virgin because her hymen is intact. What about the idea of purity behind this whole virgin deal? I believe hymen repair surgery is not fair to females who truly save themselves until marriage. However, it is the only fair thing to females who “made mistakes” in the past. So now it comes down to this? A girl is judged according to the condition of her hymen… I refuse to be judged that way. Isn’t there so much more to a woman than her hymen? I believe it is every man’s right to choose his partner and to require that she is a virgin. However, I also believe that it is every woman’s right to refuse to be judged according to the condition of her hymen.
The issue of judgement is very strong in our society. However, people should understand that judgement is a divine characteristic and only God has the right and the ability to judge people…on the Day of Judgement. This is why I decided to tackle this issue from the Islamic approach. Yes, according to Islam, pre or extra-marital sex is a sin (haram). But no where in the Quran or Hadith is it said that virginity is a must or a prerequisite for marriage. In the Quran there are many verses stressing the sinfulness of extra-marital sex. I must bring to light that in the Quran, chastity is promoted for men as well as women. In chapter 23, Surat al Mu’minoun (Believers) the Quran says “The believers have succeeded. Those who are humble in their prayers. Those who abstain from deeds done in vain. Those who perform required charity (Zakat). And those who save their chastity. Except with their spouses and those whom they rightfully posses in wedlock, only then they will not be blamed.(23:1–6)” It is very clear that Islam promotes chastity unless in a monogomous relationship that has certain conditions and prerequisites which is socially labelled as marriage. What I want to stress on here is the fact that Islam, like all monothiestic religions, promotes chastity for women and men. For example it says in Surat Al Nour (Light) “Tell the believing men to lower their gazes ( meaning not to stare at women) and be mindful of their chastity, this will be purer for them and Allah is all knowing of what they do. (24:30)”. Here it spicifically says that MEN should mind their chastity – meaning that they too must not practice extramarital sex. But how can you tell if a guy is a virgin or not on his wedding night – you can’t. But if he did have sex before marriage it is still a sin, but socially, he is not penalized for it. In the very next verse it says that women should also “lower their gazes and be mindful of their chastity (24:31)”. So chastity in Islam is intended for men and women, and its a sin for men and women, but how come our societies have come to penalize only women?? So if a man has sex before marriage it will be counted as a sin equal in the eyes of God to the one counted when a woman has sex before marriage. So how come a woman must be a virgin when she’s married but not a man? Because of tradition, culture, and social norms that have nothing to do with religion. Especially that if a woman commits this sin she will be stigmatized and looked down on by society while God says in the Quran “O my servants who have transgressed against their own selves, Do not despair of Allah’s mercy, for Allah forgives all sins: for He is the most forgiving, most merciful.(39:53).” See?? God forgives ALL SINS. How can society penalize someone, a woman, for a sin that God will or already has forgiven her for? What about women who prefer suicide than being exposed as non-virgins? They have despaired society’s mercy not God’s. Islam says nothing about how a woman must be a virgin before marriage, it just says women, and men, should not have sex when not married, and it says its a sin which God will forgive. So what is up with our society? A woman’s hymen is magnified to the extent that sometimes it’s how she’s seen.
In my view a virgin is a man or a woman who hasn’t had sexual activites yet and are pure and innocent. But I guess thats not how society sees it.
At the end I want to say something to Arab men: A girl may have a hymen, but may have had intercourse before. A woman may have a hymen and hasn’t had sex before, but she’s not innocent. A woman may not bleed on her wedding night and be a virgin who hasn’t had sex before and is innocent. A woman may have had sex before, has no hymen, and is purer than most women who haven’t. A hymen is no sign of virginity and purity can not be associated with hymens anymore.
My message to girls/women: Please don’t let people judge you by the condition of this tiny piece of skin. If you have it, good, but don’t let it be your identity. If you don’t have it due to pre or extra marital sex, I’m sorry you feel you have to get hymen repair surgery. But being a virgin or not, we Arab women, must not be trapped inside our vaginas and behind our hymens. We must stand up in the face of the idea that this is how we’re judged. We really have to stop being judged at all. That is why as of today I reject my virginity. I don’t want to be evaluated as a human being according to my hymen.And I definately don’t want to ever marry someone who sees me as a girl with a hymen.
ISIS
I was so surprised when I went to visit a female relative who was recently married at her new house and found her showing me a piece of cloth with blood on it. I almost fainted when I saw this… for God’s sake she’s so much better than this!! I never imagined that someday this would happen to someone I know, let alone someone I’m related to! I asked her who’s idea it was and she told me it was hers. She wanted to eradicate any “doubts” anyone in the groom’s family could be having. “Why would the groom’s family want to see this?” I asked her and she said her mother in law… well… did this when she saw the bloody cloth after they came back from their honeymoon. “Maybe she was just happy her son isn’t impotent” I thought to myself. Then I started thinking about virginity and everything it stands for.
According to Wikipedia, “The hymen (or maidenhead; or in slang cherry) is a fold of mucous membrane which surrounds or partially covers the external vaginal opening. It forms part of the vulva, or external genitalia, and is present in all females at birth”. The word is derived from Hymenaios the god of marriage in Greek mythology . It seems ridiculous to me that millions of people give so much attention to the hymen, or as I came to call it حتة الجلده (the piece of skin). It is said that there are several different types of hymens. This is one of the more common hymen types:
Annular Hymen: This is one of the more common hymen types. It is called annular because it forms a ring around the vaginal opening:
With some sexual or masturbatory activity or even insertion of objects like tampons, the hymen stretches and becomes less like a ring and looks more like this:
When a female’s hymen is torn, (not just stretched) she could bleed and the hymen would look something like this: OR this:
The type and shape of the hymen tear – get this – depends on the force of penetration. Now trust me on this because I did ask a couple of local gynocologists. A female with an intact hymen does not have to bleed on her first time. If her partner was rather ‘sympathetic’ and would only go as far as her pain threshold she might not bleed at all. This is because the hymen might stretch to allow “total penetration” and thus intercouse without tearing. If the partner was not as “sympathetic” and in other words ‘in a hurry’, the hymen would tear and the wound most probably will cause some bleeding. How much bleeding will depend on the tear and ‘force of penetration’. One of the doctors who I interviewed (We’ll call him Dr. M) told me that a lot of newly wed brides are “taken” to his clinic by their husbands verifying thier virginity because they did not bleed on their wedding nights. Only an experienced gynocologist can verify this after checking to see when the hymen was stretched or torn. This can be done by checking for abrasions, if abrasions on the hymen specifically, are still fresh, that should mean that she has been deflowered only recently. After a few days it could be hard to tell because the abrasions on the hymen would have healed. This is how in forensics they can verify rape, by checking the severity of vaginal abrasions, not specifically on the hymen, if the female was not a virgin and was sexually active. He also gave me a statistic that four out of ten virgins will not bleed on their first intercourse. Now I don’t know where he got this statistic, but the guy is a well-known gynocologist, so I would trust that he knows what he is talking about.
Now how does this fit with the misconception that a female with an intact hymen must bleed on her first intercourse? Many, or should I should say most men in Egypt do solemnly believe that if their brides do not bleed on their wedding night then they were not virgins. And we all know of course what kind of stigma that carries. After the emerging of the Hymen Repair Surgery – Hymenoplasty – the word “virgin” started carrying several new meanings . In the West, some women get hymen repair surgery as a cosmetic procedure or to surprise their husbands on 20th year anniversaries. Here in the Middle East girls get it to save their reputations and sometimes their lives. Mainly the hymen repair surgery is the piecing together of a torn or dilated hymen to restore what is known as ‘virginity’. There is a brief presentation done by an Egyptian gynocologist on this issue. This type of surgery has become very common in Egypt. Dr. M said told me that at least two or three young women every month come into his clinic asking him to be saved in this way. What surprized me the most is when he said that some females prefer to fake the bleeding by puncturing their vaginal opening with a pin after intercourse to give the impression that they were virgins, rather than go through the surgery. This surgery can be done under total anasthetic at an operating room at hospital with dissolveable stitches and can be permanent – until of course there is intercourse again. It can aslo be done under local anasthetic at a clinic, however, in that case the hymen would remain intact for a few days following the procedure. In both cases the repaired hymen will simulate a natural one with the first intercourse after the procedure and there will be bleeding.
After all this, does it still mean that an intact hymen is the sign of virginity… no matter how it got intact in the first place? I know a girl who had the hymen repair surgery done THREE TIMES (and she wears the hijab by the way).
The tradition of virginity testing on the wedding night or dukhla (which literally translates to “going in”), by a midwife has been there for decades and is practiced up until today in traditional societies. This is when a midwife is called to the wedding, and goes in the room with the bride, and sometimes the groom is present, she then uses a sharp object or her fingernail to tear the hymen and wipe the blood with a white piece of cloth that is then held up by the midwife or the groom in display of the bride’s virginity. This is a common practice in rural Egypt but probably no one still does this in Cairo today. However, in higher class families, the groom is sometimes asked to verify to his curious family the virginity of his bride. In most cases he doesn’t have to hold tangible proof, like the bloody cloth, and show it around. His word is usually taken as proof. In some higher class or educated families, proving that the bride was a virgin is never really an issue. However, that doesn’t mean that most people don’t still believe that a bride must be a virgin on her wedding night.
This brings me to the social aspect of this whole thing. The reason why men prefer to marry virgins is because a virgin is supposedly pure and hasn’t been with other men before him. We all know that an intact hymen does not stop a female from practising sexual activities other than intercourse. How would any of these men feel if he finds out that his bride has practised fellatio, anal sex, or even ‘outer-course’?? A lot of men would be appalled by this idea, but others will forgive if the hymen is still intact. That really makes me wonder… what if the bride practised these sexual activities with say a hundred other men, but her hymen is still intact? Does that mean she’s still a virgin? Some would say as long as no one knows about it and she has a good reputation, they’ll forgive her. So if she did all that, but she lies a lot, it’s fine? What about those who would marry a girl who is not a virgin? My guess is they would marry her but never forgive or forget her past. That is why girls who’ve lost their virginity feel they must get hymen repair surgery. What about a girl who got back her hymen after this surgery? Does that mean she’s a virgin because her hymen is intact. What about the idea of purity behind this whole virgin deal? I believe hymen repair surgery is not fair to females who truly save themselves until marriage. However, it is the only fair thing to females who “made mistakes” in the past. So now it comes down to this? A girl is judged according to the condition of her hymen… I refuse to be judged that way. Isn’t there so much more to a woman than her hymen? I believe it is every man’s right to choose his partner and to require that she is a virgin. However, I also believe that it is every woman’s right to refuse to be judged according to the condition of her hymen.
The issue of judgement is very strong in our society. However, people should understand that judgement is a divine characteristic and only God has the right and the ability to judge people…on the Day of Judgement. This is why I decided to tackle this issue from the Islamic approach. Yes, according to Islam, pre or extra-marital sex is a sin (haram). But no where in the Quran or Hadith is it said that virginity is a must or a prerequisite for marriage. In the Quran there are many verses stressing the sinfulness of extra-marital sex. I must bring to light that in the Quran, chastity is promoted for men as well as women. In chapter 23, Surat al Mu’minoun (Believers) the Quran says “The believers have succeeded. Those who are humble in their prayers. Those who abstain from deeds done in vain. Those who perform required charity (Zakat). And those who save their chastity. Except with their spouses and those whom they rightfully posses in wedlock, only then they will not be blamed.(23:1–6)” It is very clear that Islam promotes chastity unless in a monogomous relationship that has certain conditions and prerequisites which is socially labelled as marriage. What I want to stress on here is the fact that Islam, like all monothiestic religions, promotes chastity for women and men. For example it says in Surat Al Nour (Light) “Tell the believing men to lower their gazes ( meaning not to stare at women) and be mindful of their chastity, this will be purer for them and Allah is all knowing of what they do. (24:30)”. Here it spicifically says that MEN should mind their chastity – meaning that they too must not practice extramarital sex. But how can you tell if a guy is a virgin or not on his wedding night – you can’t. But if he did have sex before marriage it is still a sin, but socially, he is not penalized for it. In the very next verse it says that women should also “lower their gazes and be mindful of their chastity (24:31)”. So chastity in Islam is intended for men and women, and its a sin for men and women, but how come our societies have come to penalize only women?? So if a man has sex before marriage it will be counted as a sin equal in the eyes of God to the one counted when a woman has sex before marriage. So how come a woman must be a virgin when she’s married but not a man? Because of tradition, culture, and social norms that have nothing to do with religion. Especially that if a woman commits this sin she will be stigmatized and looked down on by society while God says in the Quran “O my servants who have transgressed against their own selves, Do not despair of Allah’s mercy, for Allah forgives all sins: for He is the most forgiving, most merciful.(39:53).” See?? God forgives ALL SINS. How can society penalize someone, a woman, for a sin that God will or already has forgiven her for? What about women who prefer suicide than being exposed as non-virgins? They have despaired society’s mercy not God’s. Islam says nothing about how a woman must be a virgin before marriage, it just says women, and men, should not have sex when not married, and it says its a sin which God will forgive. So what is up with our society? A woman’s hymen is magnified to the extent that sometimes it’s how she’s seen.
In my view a virgin is a man or a woman who hasn’t had sexual activites yet and are pure and innocent. But I guess thats not how society sees it.
At the end I want to say something to Arab men: A girl may have a hymen, but may have had intercourse before. A woman may have a hymen and hasn’t had sex before, but she’s not innocent. A woman may not bleed on her wedding night and be a virgin who hasn’t had sex before and is innocent. A woman may have had sex before, has no hymen, and is purer than most women who haven’t. A hymen is no sign of virginity and purity can not be associated with hymens anymore.
My message to girls/women: Please don’t let people judge you by the condition of this tiny piece of skin. If you have it, good, but don’t let it be your identity. If you don’t have it due to pre or extra marital sex, I’m sorry you feel you have to get hymen repair surgery. But being a virgin or not, we Arab women, must not be trapped inside our vaginas and behind our hymens. We must stand up in the face of the idea that this is how we’re judged. We really have to stop being judged at all. That is why as of today I reject my virginity. I don’t want to be evaluated as a human being according to my hymen.And I definately don’t want to ever marry someone who sees me as a girl with a hymen.
ISIS